Carly Butler
Resting Heart Rate
After 16 hours of chaos –
The daily hustle of begging
You (and your sister) to eat,
To wash,
To dress,
To be gentle –
The house is finally quiet.
You’ve been asleep for an hour,
And I’m wishing I was too.
But first, the propranalol:
The beta blocker that’s been
Telling your restless heart
To pump the brakes a little
Ever since you were born.
Every 8 hours for the past 8 years,
Your tongue accepts syringe without pause.
Your dad gives the morning dose,
Your aunt the afternoon,
And without waking you up,
I give the night.
The trickiest one, if you ask me.
When 5ml of sticky heart honey
Has to be chased by 5 ml of water
So that what remains of your teeth
Doesn’t rot away —
With each sip, I stroke your curls
Urging ventricles to quit squeezing
Your blood so tight,
Hoping your dreams stay as calm
As your resting heart rate.
Carly Butler is an Indigequeer disability mom and the brand new author of memoir Apocalypse Child: Surviving Doomsday And The Search For Identity At The End Of The World. She is currently raising her family in Langley, British Columbia.